I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
