y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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