after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize