i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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