i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
