my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
