I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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