The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
