The beers last night were like the tears from god
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
