How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
