How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
