I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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