I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She bit a glass in half.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
