How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
