Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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