I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
