The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
