well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
