We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
