I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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