Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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