he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
