I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
