my phone needs a breathalizer
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
