I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
