he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
