you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize