She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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