you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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