I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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