Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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