peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
