I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
