My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
