It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
