I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
