is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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