My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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