How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
