Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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