cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I smell like Dick and happiness
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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