I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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