You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
