im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I understand Curling. That high.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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