My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
