i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
