I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize