You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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