I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
All the doctor said was why
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
