You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
