She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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