Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
