The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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