ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize